A Creative Pilgrimage

Whirled Jazz

2006-03-04T07:38:00.000-08:00

This isn't a very good photo, but this was the group Whirled Jazz performing at Simpson University in Redding, CA last night during their first set. Typically I'd post music-related stuff on my main blog, but it occurred to me that what I wanted to say about last night's gig was all about creativity, so I thought I'd share it here instead.

They performed all original music--many tunes by the trombonist, Keller Coker; several by the bandleader/saxophonist, Tom Bergeron; one by the guitarist, John Albano. (All three are college music educators.) And that's Rob Lemas, who plays with Jeffrey on Sunday nights in Sacramento, on bass.

It was great to hear original music--I really enjoyed it. Jazz is one of my favorite musical genres, but it can grow tiresome when you've been an avid live jazz listener for decades and go to gigs only to realize that all you're going to hear is well-known standards. There are certain jazz tunes I could hear a thousand times and never grow tired of them, and of course the whole idea is to make any standard sound fresh and alive and interesting. But how refreshing when an artist/performer cares so deeply about their musical selves that they create music, and put some thought behind it. Personally, I get tired of hearing songs in certain genres that are always about the same thing--love, relationships, heartbreak. Those songs have their place in our American musical canon--in fact, they're innately American. But it was a delight last night to hear the inspiration behind their original compositions--everything from a PBS documentary on string theory...to a science fiction pulp writer...to an original North American people who slayed woolly mammoths...to a trip to Poland that inspired, surprisingly, a tango.

I had taken a seat right before the show started (I'd been hanging out 'backstage' with J.) Most of the seats that were left were on the far sides of the gym. Because the chairs were set up in semi-circled rows, sitting at the front on the far left I could turn to my right and see the entire audience. At first I wondered if they were enjoying the music. I didn't see a lot of the typical head bobbing and swaying that I see in jazz clubs, but they responded with enthusiastic applause after each selection, and at the end of the night (during the second set I sat right in front of the stage) they got a standing ovation. The head of the Music Department told them afterwards that performers there typically never get standing ovations, so it seemed that their music was a hit. And that got me thinking...

We don't give people enough credit. We hesitate to take them out of their comfort zones. The crap that finds its way onto our TV and movie screens (and I'm as guilty as the next person of watching it) and radio airwaves doesn't often inspire us--it numbs us with familiarity. Everything has become about formula--find a formula that works and copy it. But do we gravitate toward the familiar by nature? Or have we been lulled into that pattern by our culture? Because deep down I don't think it's in our nature to avoid the unfamiliar. There's no wonder in the familiar. We gasp with wonder when we encounter something so unique and beautiful that it catches us off guard...because it was unexpected.

So as we continue on our artist's journey, in whatever form our art will reveal itself, let's remember that. Just like the name of this band--let's go for the unexpected. Let's mix things up and surprise people. The worst that could happen is we end up embarrassed. And I've yet to hear of a single death that was caused by embarrassment, no matter how much we wished it to be true. :) The best thing that could happen is that we could end up inspiring...not just others, but ourselves, too.

For a few video snippets, go to my vlog, Moovies.

American Darling Valve

2006-02-25T13:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, here it is: the absolute embarrassing truth. I didn't do SQUAT this week on AW. Zip. Zero. A big fat enchi-nada. Didn't write a single morning page (for the second week in a row). Didn't get caught up on my chapters in the AW book (I'm still on Week 5). Didn't do any exercises. Didn't do an artist date.

I had good intentions when I rose early this morning. I planned to break out my spiral notebook and fountain pen and get down to business. And then I planned to catch up on the chapter reading--weeks 5 through 8. Oh...but let me just check email first. And maybe I'll read just a few blogs, since I'm a couple of days behind due to work overload. Next thing I knew, hours had gone by. Crap.

But the sun is shining and it's warm outside. So when Jeffrey got home (after only half a day's work...yay!) I walked around the corner to get us some Japanese take-out for lunch. And after we ate I grabbed the camera and said I was going out for an artist date. While waiting for our food, it occurred to me to challenge myself to take photos of only things I could find on our block. So I circled the block twice, slowly, and let my eyes wander. I saw things I've seen many times before (we've lived here 10 months) and things I'd never noticed before (including an adorable little house on the opposite side of the block that I've walked and ridden by a gazillion times and never noticed--it's tucked back from the street a bit). The result was what you see here. Nothing exciting, except that I paid attention. Or maybe I should say that I walked with intention. Speaking of which...

I really do intend to stay in the AW mix. My lack of involvement has a lot to do with being super-busy at work the past few weeks. I'm regularly working overtime, but it's a good kind of busy. But I come home feeling a bit fried, like I don't want to do anything other than grab some dinner and lie like a slug on the couch watching TV, reading the newspapers and dozing. And maybe I just hit that spot that Cameron talks about--where you begin to develop a love/hate relationship with AW. I noticed a few weeks ago that I went from really enjoying writing morning pages to absolutely dreading them, and feeling unable to focus for more than a page. Life is full of rhythms...I'll eventually find mine again in AW.

One thing's for sure...even though I might not be feeling inspired by the process right now, I'm incredibly inspired by the AW group. Y'all rock!!

inspiration share

2006-02-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

This is an "A" blog in the AW group, and weeks ago we A's and B's were asked to share something that inspires us. I didn't have a chance to do that without my computer, but I wanted to tell you something I did that I found fulfilling. One night while Jeffrey was at a gig, I was reading some of SARK's Succulent Wild Woman. It's been a good companion book for this process for me. I enjoyed the passage I'd just read, so I began to re-read it...and then it occurred to me to read it aloud. So I started reading aloud, but not in a monotone...I started reading it as if you were all sitting here with me, as if I were performing The Vagina Monologues or something. I started breathing differently and reading with feeling and emotion and projection. And it felt really powerful to do that. It really gave life to the words. (I know that sounds corny, but it did.)

Here's the passage I 'performed' in my living room that night:

Once we've rambled through our dry and tame places, we can begin to explore succulence. Succulent wild woman is a process, and an adventure. To discover, and recover, your own succulence is a voyage of the interior and exterior. Succulence comes from your center--the sweet, true part of you--your essence--that belongs to no one else.

Wildness is relative. Wild is a state of mind that relates directly to succulence. We are each in a process of being and becoming a succulent wild woman!

I am sharing my own journey so that you can be a part of my exploration.

I am very real--deeply human, partly human, splendidly and horribly imperfect, bent, disguised, loud, ever-changing, thought-full and thought-less, wildly narcisstic in certain spots.

How are you most human? What would a map of you look like? There are so many ways to be named and defined, yet we are ultimately a mystery. What a glorious thing!

~SARK, Succulent Wild Woman

So after 'performing' this bit two or three times that night, I had a thought: I wonder if SARK would allow her material to be pulled together into a play? What a powerful, women-centric performance piece that could be!

What would a map of YOU look like?

Try this with a passage from one of your favorite books. But do it when you're alone--its power lies in the freedom that comes from not being inhibited by the presence of others. After all, weren't we all fabulous rock stars in the privacy of our bedrooms, 'singing' in front of our mirrors with our hairbrushes as mic's? ;)

Recapping Week 6

2006-02-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

Anyone home?? I'd gone from "I really should be writing morning pages" to blithely going about my mornings after J'd leave for work having coffee and reading the paper. I forgot morning pages even existed. And my bookmark was still firmly planted in the early pages of Week 5. But, I was pouring a lot of time and energy and effort into the Black History Assembly production at school, and it was giving me a big creative payoff. Friday's performances were so rewarding to witness--to see how far the kids had come and to see them so excited to be performing. So even though week 6 was completely lost in terms of AW group parameters, it was found in terms of feeding me personally.

The theme for Week 6 was recovering a sense of abundance, and having our PC finally arrive certainly helped with that. I even had one day last week where I put on a jacket I hadn't worn in about 6 months and found a five-dollar bill in the pocket...I walked to the bus stop, boarded the empty bus and the driver stopped me from depositing my $1 fare, saying "Don't worry about it"...I took my seat and found a shiny dime on the seat next to me. So I guess the universe was letting me know that there really is abundance everywhere...sometimes when I least expect it. ;)

Recapping Week 5

2006-02-19T10:04:00.000-08:00

Here's where I fell almost completely off the AW wagon. I've still only read a couple pages of the Week 5 chapter. I only wrote morning pages three days that week, and two of those days I only wrote half a page. I simply couldn't stay focused on the task when I'd sit down to write. I was barely hanging onto the idea of AW by my cuticles. Artist date? What's that?? Although, in my defense, this was the week when I got really involved with working on the Black History Assembly at school. I'd pulled the band together for the assembly, but this was the week when I started working with the kids at the rehearsals and really jumping in with both feet. I was growing more and more down not having access to my blog and my blogging buddies and the AW group, but working on the assembly was my saving grace. So even though I wasn't following the book and the guidelines, I was doing something I really loved and felt passionate about...for the first time in a very long time. So I was feeding my artist.

Recapping Week 4

2006-02-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

I didn't even know this was the week of reading deprivation until Sam mentioned it on the phone that Sunday night. I hadn't read the chapter yet, even though it was the second day of that AW week. Oops...I'd already plowed through two Sunday papers. I gave the reading deprivation a moment's thought, but I was growing depressed over losing my internet 'life,' so giving up reading (one of the very few pleasures and comforts I have) seemed too much to ask. I did cut back though. I did continue to read the two daily newspapers I have delivered (the Davis and San Francisco papers), but grew selective in my book reading. Mostly that week I savored small passages from Deepak Choprah's The Book of Secrets. I was in need of something to inspire and nourish me, and it filled the bill. (I'm still reading it...I'm savoring it slowly.) I continued reading a chapter a week from SARK's Succulent Wild Woman, which I'd bought as a companion piece for this AW journey. My morning pages dropped way off--I only wrote them 3 days that week, and each time I only wrote about a page-and-a-half. I completely forgot about doing an artist date. And although I read all of the exercises and did them in my head, I didn't write them out.

Recapping Week 3

2006-02-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

Our laptop died during Week 2. I was feeling quite high when we lost our internet connection. I'd just had a fabulous solo day in Portland...and then BOOM...no internet connection...and no funds to immediately buy another laptop or PC. I was devastated because I felt so engaged with my writing and my blogging and the AW group. I tried to psych myself up and remind myself that I'd done AW more than a decade before when I hadn't needed an internet connection. I thought surely without being able to check email or read blogs I'd have LOADS of time to devote to AW. I realized at the end of Week 3 how ironic it was that the week's theme had been recovering a sense of power, because I'd spent week 3 feeling mostly power-less...over the money situation, over not having internet access (I have it at work, but the school's 'safe search' function blocks all blogs and web-based email), over my job situation (my nasty coworker was bad-vibing me as usual and being particularly passive-aggressive), etc. I did write my morning pages every day that week, even if a couple of times I wrote less than 3 pages. I had liked the "Detective Work" exercise from previous AW attempts, I so did that. In fact, I did most of the exercises that week. My artist date that week was a watching a day-long marathon of "Project Runway" while Jeffrey was at work. I love that show.

Recapping Week 2

2006-01-21T15:37:00.000-08:00

This'll be quick--I'm on a library PC. I did morning pages five out of seven days, and had some great insights at least two or three of those days. Read through the chapter and all of the exercises. Did some of the exercises in my head, but haven't written any of them down yet. Still plan to do that. My full day in Portland on Tuesday was a total solo artist date all day long. I'll post photos later if I can (when we're back online). I didn't walk this week (not any distance, anyway), but did ride my bike to work on Thursday, which felt GREAT. Also started that day out with an hour at Starbucks before work, where I read Week 2.

Sorry I'm unable to get around to your AW blogs and check-in right now. I'll get caught up as soon as I can.

I know as an "A" blog, I was supposed to post a share this week. I'm late doing that--it's been kind of a crazy week, but I'll think of something to share.

Wish I could be in more contact right now, but I am doing the work...and I know all of you are, too. Being part of this group is helping me cope with being without the laptop...just knowing you're all out there doing AW right with me. xoxo

crystalizing

2006-01-19T17:15:00.000-08:00

I have to be quick because I'm posting this at the library and there's supposed to be a 15-minute limit on this computer. Just wanted to check in and say that although we've been laptop-less for the last 24 hours, life is very good right now. I had a fabulous couple of days in Portland. Tuesday was a day-long artist date. I took a gazillion photos and will post some of them if I can get back into the laptop soon.

I didn't write morning pages on Monday or Tuesday, and didn't get to them until after work on Wednesday (waiting for J. to pick me up from work). But I did write them this morning. We were both still wiped out from our trip last night, so we turned in early which meant we were also up VERY early. After Jeffrey left for work, I dressed and hopped on my bike. Six thirty this morning found me pedaling my way through the foggy darkness to a Starbucks. I'd barely made a dent in the reading for Week 2. I got my grande decaf latte and a bran muffin and sat down to read the chapter. I read the week's reading plus the exercises and was reminded that some of my favorite AW exercies are in week 2. I plan to do some of them tonight.

Here's what I realized this morning while writing my MP's... Last week's 5 imaginary lives exercise was very revealing, because the 5 I chose weren't far-fetched. And I realized on Tuesday that I'm basically doing them--writing, photographing, self-publishing, traveling. And also just how much I like doing all of those things. So when the laptop froze up last night, I really didn't freak out. Not because I don't want to keep using it, but because I realized when I couldn't use it just how much I've come to love what I use it for.

I love reading your blogs and commenting and the connection and interchange that goes on...but what crystallized for me losing the use of the laptop is just how much I love creating with it. It might not seem creative to some people, but I find it very gratifying to write and publish my blog. I learn a lot about myself in the process. There was a time in my life when I would have freaked out over losing my internet connection because I was feverishly addicted to blogging for blogging's sake. But this isn't that. This is me realizing that I'm not so far away from what I want to do. In fact, I'm doing it...I'm just not getting paid for it...yet.

Sorry I'm not able to stop by all of your blogs right now, but know that I'm with you in spirit. I'm so loving being a part of this group--it's already giving me big payoffs...and we're only in week 2.

Mecca

2006-01-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

I read an AW post on someone’s blog yesterday where the writer mentioned that all of Julia Cameron’s focus on recovery wasn’t resonating with her. (I’m sorry I’m not linking to the post, but I surfed through all 100 AW blogs yesterday and I can’t remember now where I read it.) I would tend to agree.

When I began this AW blog, I didn’t know what to call it (which is obvious when you look at the generic URL: artistswayblog). I settled on the name “A Creative Pilgrimage” when I read the opening paragraph of the Introduction to the 10th Anniversary Edition of the book where Cameron writes: “Art is an act of faith, and we practice practicing it. Sometimes we are called on pilgrimages on its behalf and, like many pilgrims, we doubt the call even as we answer it. But answer we do.”

My dictionary defines a pilgrim as a person who travels to a sacred or revered place as an act of devotion, and a pilgrimage as a journey made to a place as a mark of respect. I like those connotations.

I’ve been in recovery. Almost 16 years ago, I walked into my first A.A. meeting. Now that felt like recovery. This does not to me. The AW journey (at least this time around) feels to me more like a pilgrimage. It feels like I’m finding the path that will allow me to travel to my sacred creative place. And what could be more self-respecting than to have the faith to travel that path in spite of my doubts--all with the intention of honoring my creative self?

Last night I began the reading for Week 2, and right off the bat Cameron was describing “recovery symptoms.” This is a very subjective, individual experience, so I can only speak for myself. I associate recovery with trying to get back to a place where I once was--to return to a former self, but a healthier version of it. This doesn’t feel like that for me. This feels like discovering facets of my self that have long been buried. It's a process, for me, that calls for archaeological skills of the first order, since entire cities have been built over parts of my creative self.

So I’m on a pilgrimage and I have to do some excavating along the way. Maybe you’re in recovery. We each have our own path, and I’m not here to judge anyone’s journey. All roads lead to (creative) Mecca. I’d just like to say to the other members of the AW group that however you define your journey, I’m glad we’re on it together.

dimming

2006-01-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

I just read a post at Kara's blog that really resonated with me and brought some stuff gurgling to the surface. (Picture a big pot of sludge that begins bubbling as a kernel of truth suddenly lifts off the murky bottom...)

She wrote of a fear of expressing a truth (or her truth) for fear that others would ostracize her...and that her enemy is the silencer. Although the experience she relates doesn't exactly match mine, reading about it brought my experience into more focus for me.

I think my enemy is the 'dimmer.' I have spent virtually my entire adult life feeling like others wanted me to tone down my wattage. There's that old cliche about 'don't hide your light under a bushel.' I always thought that the next part was: 'unless you're Marilyn...because we WANT you to hide your light.' I know it makes no sense to surround yourself with people (friends) who would encourage you to do something so insane. But I have a pattern of doing that, although I never know initially that it's going to pan out that way.

I've had friends who made me feel very loved and supported and encouraged and would cheer on my creative endeavors and ideas and inspirations...until... Until I get brave enough with the support of their encouragement to begin to expose myself a bit more creatively. If others begin to recognize a certain talent in me or if I begin to share that part of myself more publicly, the end result has almost always been the same--rejection by my biggest supporter.

I really do believe that there's enough to go around for everyone. Enough talent and success and prosperity and creativity...all of it. For me to feel fulfilled should not diminish you and vice versa.

I was having a conversation with another Cara (friend) the other day about humility, and I was telling her how deeply intuitive Jeffrey's humility is. We were specifically speaking of arrogance and I told her that one of the biggest things I love about Jeffrey is his humility--he never talks about his talent. Ever. He just lets it speak for itself. She said, "But you're like that." But I begged to differ. I'm not innately humble. I don't go around hiding who I really am out of humility--I do it out of fear. It hurts when friends reject me--especially when they do an about face and cut me out of their life with no explanation. Every time it's happened (and it's happened many times), I've hit the dimmer switch. (Jeez, I can hardly see in here and it's still too bright for these people.) I start feeling smaller and smaller, until I feel like just a speck of my 'real' self.

The nadir probably occurred in the tropics. Thank god for the beach and the surrounding beauty for helping me to maintain my sanity during that time. And then I discovered blogging. Now maybe you can understand why it's not an overstatement when I say that blogging was a lifesaver for me when it arrived in my life (September '03).

That's what I love so much about the blogosphere--you're not threatened (and if you are, it's your issue, not mine). You swat my hand away when you see me reaching for the dimmer switch. In fact, I'm not so sure that some of you didn't sneak inside when I wasn't looking and replace those dim bulbs with a higher watt.

To diminish someone can mean to belittle them. I don't want to be little and small, and I don't want you to be either. Let's not be-little each other anymore. Let's be-big one another. Let's BE BIG together.

Recapping Week 1

2006-01-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

Morning pages: I skipped one day (the morning I was at the conference); only wrote 1 page on one day; only wrote 2 pages on one day. But I also did 3 pages of them two days leading up to week 1, so I figure it all evens out. Plus, I'm using Natalie Goldberg's method of writing in a spiral notebook and filling the entire page including margins. (And it's a college ruled notebook.) So I may be writing 8 or 10 more lines on each of my pages than some others. I say that not to compare, but to let you know that when I say I wrote 3 pages...I wrote THREE PAGES. ;)

Artist Date #1: I had a lovely date last Saturday morning as I recapped here. Done, and I enjoyed it.

Reading: Read through the chapter. It was probably the 4th or 5th time I'd read it (since this isn't my first go-round with AW).

Exercises: This was my weakness this week. I had planned to sit down and write some of them out last night, but then I realized why I was sort of dreading it. I've done them several times before and simply didn't feel like rehashing old crap. I know who my monsters are and know who my champions are. I just didn't feel inspired to write it all down again. I did do the 5 lives exercise (posted here). Didn't work with blurts or affirmations. Didn't even get around to writing out the contract as so many of you did this past week. So I'll write it here now...in my own language:

I, Marilyn, commit to immersing myself once again in AW. I know from past experience with AW that all sorts of feelings and emotions and thoughts and insights might arise. That can feel scary, and that fear can lead to resistance. I commit to tackling that resistance head-on. I want to know what's buried in there--I want to excavate my best creative self. I commit to doing this process with gentleness and kindness. I will push myself where it feels appropriate and I will do what I can as time allows. I will not beat myself up or feel guilty if I don't complete all of the exercises in any given week. I will not compare my work to that of other AW participants; I will not feel less than nor better than any of the other group participants. I will remember that each of us is on a unique journey. AW is here to serve me--I am not here to serve it. I will do my part in allowing it to serve me during these 12 weeks. Signed, Marilyn, January 14, 2006

what lies beneath...

2006-01-12T22:24:00.000-08:00

"Tell the truth faster." Succulent Wild Woman, SARK

It seems to me that some of the exercises in Week 1 are designed to do just that. To encourage us to have a direct line to our creative essence without feeling paralyzed by our lies. The lies that are barked out to us by our censors. The lies that come out as blurts...yet when we trace their heritage we typically find they were initially said by someone else.

Week 1 is about "Recovering a Sense of Safety." There is nothing safe about lies. They are the antithesis of safe. And yet we grow so comfortable living within the web of them that surrounds us. And they're insidious suckers. If we've lived with them long enough, we don't even recognize them as lies. They're lies in beliefs' clothing. And once they've convinced us that they're really beliefs, we stop questioning the truth of them. A belief is something we accept as true. We've accepted these lies about ourselves as truths. And we didn't even say them in the first place.

Seems kinda silly, doesn't it?

5 lives, cont'd.

2006-01-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

Continuing from the previous post... I did give the '5 imaginary lives' exercise some thought when I went to bed. And I struggled a bit to come up with the list...then I realized why. I was mixing it up in my head with Andrea's Mondo Beyondo list. I've already got that list going. The 5 imaginary lives don't have to be 'wildest dreams'--they're meant to be 5 lives that you'd be living right now if you could. At least that's how I interpret the exercise. "If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them?"

Hmmm, no wonder I was struggling a bit. I was trying to think of things that are a bit far-fetched. Truthfully, the five that first came to mind don't seem outlandish, so I guess I was sort of poo-poo'ing them.

If I could lead 5 parallel lives right now, here's what I'd be doing:
1. writer
2. photographer
3. producer and/or publisher (They utilize similar skills.)
4. coffee house owner
5. traveler

Those are honestly things that I think about doing all the time.

A year ago, before we knew we'd be relocating so soon to the mainland, Jeffrey and I talked often of owning a coffee house. We have some architecture software (heh, surprised you with that one, didn't I?)...he was really into playing around with it when we first got it. He encouraged me to, too, but I thought it was too 'complicated.' Then one day while he was at work or playing golf or at a gig, I started to fiddle around in it with some trepidation...and discovered I really liked dinking around in it. And I'd tinker around with a coffee house design. Don't reach--I don't dream of designing things, that's not where my aptitude and passion lies. Truly. I just liked visualizing having a place to call our own. But then...I'd realize what it means to be a small business owner (because my parents have had a couple of them) and how you're really tied to the business. And when I think about that dream now, it doesn't hold the same appeal for me. I think what I want more is just to hang out in coffee houses (because I missed out on that during those 5 years in the islands) and maybe stage events at them. THAT's what that's really about. So maybe #4 needs to be reworked.

The second part of the exercise is to incorporate some element from one of those 5 lives into my present life. I'll have to work on that part a bit later...because now I'm running late for work. :)

5 lives

2006-01-11T01:19:00.000-08:00

It's late (by the time I post this, it'll be 1:30). I should be in bed. I've got a long day today. A friend from work and I will be driving south a couple of hours tonight to spend the night at a hotel...rising early to attend an all-day conference on Thursday...back home Thursday evening. I haven't packed my bag...haven't paid bills yet. J and I had a fabulous Thai dinner after he picked me up from work yesterday. When I came home, I felt like power-lounging, so that's what I did. Ended up napping part of the evening away, which is why I'm wide awake now. Well, that and the second slice of birthday cake I just had...

I'm doing my morning pages religiously. Have done the reading for Week 1 and have even re-read some of the sections. Had a great first artist date last Saturday morning. But I've noticed the last couple of days that I've been resisting doing the Week 1 exercises. Not because I don't think they're valuable, but rather out of sheer laziness. I think about them, just haven't felt like writing them out.

The '5 imaginary lives' exercise used to be one of my favorites. But I'm not even feeling inspired to do that one. Maybe I just need a little more time to get in touch what those lives might be. When I've done that exercise previously (several times), it's always been quick and easy for me to nail 5 lives I'd like to have. I don't have those previous lists, but my guess would be that some of those lives don't appeal to me anymore. Maybe that's part of it...maybe I carried around certain dreams for decades that aren't dreams of mine anymore. Our dreams morph and change over time...maybe I just need to fine-tune the focus on my current batch.

I'm going to crawl into bed now. And start imagining what those 5 lives might be...

cliches

2006-01-10T03:26:00.000-08:00

I wrote a bit in the "filtering" post below about how the sample 'core negative beliefs' list in Cameron's book doesn't resonate with me. (And if it resonates with you, more power to ya...I can only speak for me.) I re-read that section of Week 1 last night, sitting in bed, and it dawned on me why it doesn't resonate. It seems dated to me. To ME. Cameron makes a few references in the early pages of the book that imply that 'people' view artists as these sorts of drugged-out, drunken whores. Really? Do people still think that? I'll admit that during my heavy drinking--when many of my musician friends were still drinking and drugging hard--I might have bought into that myth, too. But even I've been sober for nearly 16 years (and there were plenty of musicians I knew who'd already gotten clean and sober by the time I walked into A.A. for the first time). In 2006, do we as a culture still buy into that public perception of 'artist?' If we do, I'm surprised, because it certainly doesn't fit the profile of the people I consider to be artists.

When I think of artistic, creative people, I think of souls striving to live an authentic life. Do I agree when Cameron suggests that some fear choosing a more creatively fulfilling life because that path might not lead to prosperity? Yes. And it's a not unfounded fear. I live with a performing artist, so I see up close and personal how little value we often give to art in this country. (American jazz musicians are much more valued in Europe and Japan than they are in the States.)

I can think of many, many people in the blogosphere who I would call 'artist.' And I don't think of a single one of them as someone who's loaded on booze and/or drugs and sleeping around promiscuously. I realize that Cameron's references along those lines might be a tiny little blip on the screen for most people--some may not have even noticed them at all. Maybe it's because there was a (long ago) time in my life when I actually lived that life that it jumps out at me. If I were her, I think I might want to let go of some of those old, tired cliches in future editions. (I have the 10th anniversary edition, published in 2002). I'm just sayin'... :)

Stepping out of the shadows...

2006-01-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

Artists themselves but ignorant of their true identity, shadow artists are to be found shadowing declared artists. ~Julia Cameron

I just had an AHA! moment re-reading that sentence a few minutes ago. Those of you who are just meeting me might think my romantic relationship brought me into the music orbit, but my relationship with musicians goes back nearly 30 years. Some of my oldest friends are musicians. I've known a lot of musicians in my life and dated a few. I haven't analyzed this for years, because I've been with Jeffrey for the last 11 years. Of course music is going to play a role in my life when I'm with him. But prior to my relationship with him, I used to wonder what it was about musicians that made me like a moth to their flames.

Did I want to work in the music industry? It certainly wasn't a desire to play music, that's for sure. I left keyboards behind after 5th grade (after being forced to play the organ for Sunday mass for a year or two...yuck!). I had an acoustic guitar in high school, but was too lazy to learn to play much of anything and hated developing callouses on my fingers. If it was a choice between reading Seventeen or playing guitar, that choice was easy for my lazy teenaged self. I even bought myself a keyboard when I lived in San Francisco...where it sat untouched in my spare bedroom, gathering dust. So it wasn't a desire to be a musician. And if I really wanted to work in the music industry, I would have pursued it years ago. It just hit me what it really was...

I wanted the lifestyle. (And no, I'm not talking about the drugs and booze and promiscuous sex many people associate with that lifestyle.) I wanted to live a life that revolved around travel and free daytime hours and creativity. That just hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted the lifestyle. I've always wanted my days to be FREE. (Spend enough years working in office jobs and you'll understand how desirous it can sound to not have to spend your days being at people's beck and call.) It wasn't even that I wanted to work in music (I'd probably be an ace producer, but have no desire to do it...or else I would). No, I just want my "job" to be something that involves only a few hours of the day, gives me extraordinary flexibility, allows me the freedom to travel and to be creative. There. That helps. :)

Artist Date #1

2006-01-08T07:54:00.000-08:00

The weather was gorgeous yesterday, sunny and almost warm. I'd had a productive early morning. Did my morning pages (by candlelight), checked blogs, wrote several blog posts. I showered and dressed, kissed J. goodbye (he was still in bed) and said I was going out for awhile. It was so beautiful outside, I just had to get outdoors. I figured I might as well do my first artist date right off because I've got a busy week ahead.

I didn't have any particular plan. I took the camera with me and began strolling, snapping the occasional photo. Things that were blooming were catching my eye. The surroundings seemed to be a wonderful mixture of the blooming and the bare. I was only able to get a few shots off before the batteries in the camera died.

I walked to Borders and spent an hour just strolling and browsing through different sections of the store. I left without spending a penny, but at various moments I could be found standing, squatting, kneeling, sitting on the floor or in a chair...reading. I'd read a bit from one book and if it triggered a thought about another type of book, I'd put the one in my hand back on the shelf and go in search of the next one. (I find Borders' shelving to be rather counter-intuitive, so sometimes finding books there can be a challenge.)

When I left Borders, I walked to the Hallmark store. My brand-new ergonomic pen I'd bought last week at Office Max had already run out of ink. I got a total of 8 pages of morning pages out of it. What a rip-off! I would have taken it back, but I didn't keep the receipt since I'd only purchased 1 pen and 2 cheap spiral notebooks. (I hadn't anticipated that a return would soon be in order.) I'd originally wanted a disposable fountain pen, since that's what I used to use for morning pages, but couldn't find one at Office Max. The Hallmark store had them and I bought one with turquoise ink and one with purple ink.

My last stop was Aquarius, the New Age store, which is only a couple of blocks from the house. I browsed around...through the clothes, books, jewelry, candles. At Borders it had occurred to me that it might be nice to have a companion book--another tome to accompany me through the next 12 weeks. I didn't come across anything at Borders that really spoke to me though--not strong enough to commit to it for 12 weeks. But at Aquarius I spotted SARK's "Succulent Wild Woman" and it seemed perfect for my intended purpose. At the front of the book she breaks it into 12 "menu selections." Perfect. I think it will dovetail nicely with AW. I'd also been wanting a nice journal, not for morning pages--I 'dump' those in a spiral notebook--but as a special place to record thoughts, insights, ideas. I come up with lots of ideas, but I'm not always very good at writing them down. I found a lovely, very lightweight bamboo journal. Sold.

All in all, a lovely first Artist Date.

That Girl

2006-01-07T08:33:00.000-08:00

One of the things I'm (secretly) hoping to get out of doing the AW this time around is to reconnect with 'the funny.' I'm a funny girl, or at least I used to be. The quiet, unassuming one in the corner with the razor-sharp wit and dripping sarcasm? That was me...and still is, in certain moments. But I feel like that part of me is quite atrophied at this point. Those five years in the tropics took a toll. It was so isolating and lonely and I didn't have anyone (except Jeffrey) to be funny with. I missed that sort of face-to-face interaction. Believe me, there was some funny-ass shit that went on down there, but sometimes you don't want to just write about it in emails and letters and blog posts. Sometimes, at least for me, there's a need to say the stuff. To inject it with your own inflection. That's a big part of comedy--it's not just what you say, it's also how you say it.

When I was a little girl, I desperately wanted to be a stand-up comic. Although in the 60's we didn't call them that--they were called comedians--and mostly you just saw them on The Ed Sullivan Show. All those old school comedians. I used to stand in the middle of my Italian grandmother's living room and do routines for her--jokes I'd heard, really bad impressions. And she'd laugh like it was the funniest damn shit she'd ever seen (even if I did the same routine 20 times). I've always been drawn to the funny. Need to choreograph a piece for my modern dance class? You can be sure there's gonna be at least one or two comical movements in there. That's why I worship at the altar of Albert Brooks--comedy gold.

[SIDEBAR: I also wanted to be (in no particular order) a stewardess (it was the 60's, that's what we called them), runway model, Broadway dancer, magazine writer (didn't Marlo Thomas work for a magazine on "That Girl?"...I used to fantasize about having That Girl's life), world traveler, publisher (I wanted to have a newsletter as a kid but thought I'd be laughed at if I did...so imagine my glee at self-publishing every day via blog posts), photographer, beach dweller, Fifth Avenue resident (I was sure there'd been some tragic mix-up in the delivery room)...as you can see, nowhere along the line did I fantasize about growing up to become...an office worker.]

The book inscription posted above suddenly came to mind this morning when I read the word "Merrill" somewhere. It says, "Marilyn, I believe you are the most impressive person here and I believe you know it. Love, Merrill Markoe" I thought I'd post it not so you'd think I'm cool, but to remind myself that there have been moments in my life when people who didn't even know me saw my potential. I don't know HOW they saw it, since I've gone to such great lengths to camouflage it, thinking that was what others preferred. (Could you just tone it down, please? Could you maybe go from a 100 watt bulb to, say, a 40?)

In this instance, I saw her at a book reading at Borders in Portland. It was a Friday evening, I think, because when I left the bookstore, I hopped on Max and rode the few stops to Jeffrey's gig at Key Largo. What astounded me about her inscription was that there were a lot of people there--it was very crowded--and I was standing at the back of the group. When I handed her my book, I don't recall saying anything other than "Hi." So when I read what she wrote, I thought: what the hell?? Granted, I was in sort of my hipster fashion mode. (Hard to imagine now, nearly a decade later, but yes, I used to have cute clothes.) But surely it had to be more than that--she didn't seem like the kind of fluffy person who would make that assumption based on clothes. I believe she saw something else. She saw a woman who was confident and comfortable in who she was. Shy, maybe, but confident. I miss her. I want That Girl back.

filtering

2006-01-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

As I began to read Week 1 last night, I was struck by a feeling I'd experienced during a few moments while reading through the first 24 pages of the book. And that was this: it's okay if some of it doesn't resonate with me anymore. Today I'm specifically talking about what Cameron refers to as "core negative beliefs" (the list on pages 30-31). Believe me, if ever a girl had core negative beliefs, it's ME. But I'm finding that all these years later after reading that passage for the first time, none of those examples really ring true for me. And that's okay. I can create my own list. Frankly, my list is beginning to appear in my morning pages. Not a list, per se, but I've got some very deep, long-held (ancient!) negative beliefs coming up. It's fantastic, because I can't rid myself of them until I dig them out.

Cameron's big on what she calls "blurts" (page 35): "You will be amazed at the rotten things your subconscious will blurt out. Write them down. These blurts flag your personal negative core beliefs."

A confession: I've never been a big fan of the blurts. I fully agree that the very root of this work is locating and eliminating those negative core beliefs. But I'd rather not continually focus my energy on blurts. I understand that she wants us to transform them into affirmations (last paragraph before the exercises): "This week, please be sure to work with your affirmations of choice and your blurts at the end of each day's morning pages. Convert all blurts into positive affirmations." There's a delicate balance here, it seems to me. As anyone who reads my 'regular' blog can attest, I have no problem revealing some pretty embarrassing truths about myself, so it's not like I'm running from any negative thoughts I have about myself. Hell, I hang 'em on the clothesline so the whole neighborhood can see them. (I learned years ago that there's incredible empowerment in revealing oneself.) I'd just rather focus more energy on positive affirmations.

Here's an important piece of information about me to know right off: I fully believe that I'm a bright, very competent, multi-talented, creative person. I talk a lot of smack in a self-deprecating fashion (because I abhor arrogance), but deep down, I think I've got some shit that's pretty cool. But here's the thing: it's often been OTHER people in my life who have led me to believe I wasn't up to snuff. So I have a feeling this week I'll be focusing less on self-generated blurts, and more on my Monster Hall of Fame. :)

mind, pen and paper

2006-01-06T06:38:00.000-08:00

When I did morning pages for the first time over a decade ago, I did them on the heels of reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones. She promotes a method called "writing practice." When I write morning pages, I follow Julia Cameron's guidelines with the influence of Natalie Goldeberg's.

One of the early chapters in Goldberg's book is called "Beginner's Mind, Pen and Paper." She says: "...consider the pen you write with. It should always be a fast-writing pen because your thoughts are always faster than your hand...Think, too, about your notebook...sometimes people buy expensive hardcover journals. They are bulky and heavy, and because they are fancy, you are compelled to write something good...A cheap spiral notebook lets you feel that you can fill it quickly and afford another...The size of your notebook matters, too. A small notebook can be kept in your pocket, but then you have small thoughts...Sometimes...you might want to directly type out your thoughts. Writing is physical and is affected by the equipment you use. In typing, your fingers hit keys and the result is block, black letters: a different aspect of yourself may come out. I have found that when I am writing something emotional, I must write it the first time directly with hand on paper. Handwriting is more connected to the movement of the heart."

At the root of Goldberg's writing practice is the timed exercise. These are her rules for writing one of those. I share them not because morning pages are timed, but because they give me additional freedom when I write morning pages:

1. Keep your hand moving. (Don't pause to reread the line you have just written. That's stalling and trying to get control of what you're saying.)
2. Don't cross out. (That is editing as you write. Even if you write something you didn't mean to write, leave it.)
3. Don't worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar. (Don't even care about staying within the margins and lines on the page.)
4. Lose control.
5. Don't think. Don't get logical.
6. Go for the jugular. (If something comes up in your writing that is scary or naked, dive right into it. It probably has lots of energy.)

Goldberg also talks about first thoughts:

"...the aim is to burn through to first thoughts, to the place where energy is unobstructed by social politeness or the internal censor, to the place where you are writing what your mind actually sees and feels, not what it thinks it should see or feel. It's a great opportunity to capture the oddities of your mind. Explore the rugged edge of thought...First thoughts have tremendous energy...First thoughts are also unencumbered by ego...You must be a great warrior when you contact first thoughts and write from them. Especially at the beginning you may feel great emotions and energy that will sweep you away, but you don't stop writing. You continue to use your pen and record the details of your life and penetrate into the heart of them."

If you saw my morning pages, you might think a crazy lady had written them. I use the cheapest spiral notebook I can find and I fill every inch of the page, typically in a scrawl that's so illegible that I can barely read it later when I've gone back to them. I've tried different journaling methods over the years, but Goldberg's work best for me so I use them when I write morning pages. I do so knowing full well that anything might come up. I might be fearful about confronting some of what comes up, but I just keep going because the results can be so very rewarding.

As we prepare to begin Week 1 tomorrow, I say to all of you: let's be warriors together on this AW journey. Let's dig deep and see where Blogging the Artist's Way will take us. I'm no less excited by preparing to begin this process with all of you than if we were sitting on a launch pad at Cape Canaveral. Let's go beyond our limits and boundaries and see where this AW exploration might take us!

Looking beyond...the past...

2006-01-04T04:37:00.000-08:00

My need to protect myself from what I fear is part of who I am. ~Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets

I read that line right before I jumped in the shower yesterday morning to get ready to go back to work (after a much-enjoyed 17-day break). In fact, I stopped reading once I read it, because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I really do believe that there's no new information out there--that it's called "wisdom of the ages" for good reason--but that it's about finding writers, thinkers, friends, bloggers(!) who say things in ways that resonate with us. In ways that allow us to truly hear the truth of it. That line was one of those moments for me. I didn't even have to look up the quote in the book just now because yesterday morning I stood in the shower and said it over and over in my mind and really thought about it.

Think it applies just to me? Think again. Who among us doesn't do things in our relationships with mates, children, coworkers, family members, friends that are born out of fear? We might even be aware that we're doing them. But have we stopped to think about how we might have incorporated those fears into our very being? How they might have become a part of us?

The other day I wrote a post on California Fever about Andrea's "Mondo Beyondo" list. I even added a link in my right sidebar to her Mondo Beyondo post, right below my theme for 2006, “The Year of Manifestation.”

This morning I got up very early (Jeffrey stayed up very late and I basically got up as soon as he fell asleep). I turned on the tree lights (yes, we leave the tree up until my birthday), plugged in the string of Xmas lights draped across the bookshelf in the kitchen, lit my Mary candle on the table, and pulled out a fresh notebook. It was time to begin morning pages. I sat there in the warmly lit near-darkness and wrote…and wrote and wrote. I had much coming up that I needed to dump.

By the time I got to page 3, I was thinking about Mondo Beyondo--about how I liked thinking of wild, outlandish dreams. (If you’d known me a long time, you’d know that me and goals? Not so much.) So it was a huge thing for me to list some long-term, ‘wildest dreams’ on my blog (and on Andrea’s). Then it occurred to me: What if I started making a Mondo Beyondo list about past dreams? What if I could time-travel back to my childhood…what would I have dreamed for then? And I started listing some things. Things that, if I had been in charge, I would have allowed myself to be and do. I wrote several lines until I reached the end of page 3. It was only after I’d filled up the page that I realized how perfect the last line on the page was: “I would be creative.”

A Sacred Circle of Believing Mirrors

2006-01-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

Julia Cameron likes to think of groups doing The Artist's Way together as clusters. In the Appendix of the book, she talks about forming a sacred circle--a sacred trust with each other. She mentions a concept that's often mentioned in 12-step programs: principles over personalities. She also speaks of the myth of the solitary artist, and how many of us have bought into that cultural image. Lord knows I did during my drinking days.

Some quotes from the Appendix:

"One of our great cultural secrets is the fact that artists like other artists."

"As artists, we must find those who believe in us, and in whom we believe, and band together for support, encouragement and protection."

"When people ask me what I think is the single most important factor in an artist's sustained productivity...is what I call 'a believing mirror'...to say a 'yes' to each other's creativity."

And this: "Let us form constellations of believing mirrors and move into our powers."

Yes, let's. I'm polishing the glass on my mirror now. I will do my best to reflect back to you your best image.

And so we begin...

2006-01-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

On December 1, fresh on the heels of her Art Everyday Month, Kat of Kat's Paws suggested that those of us who relished the creative community built up via AEM continue our creative journey together via a group process of The Artist's Way, based on Julia Cameron's much-loved book. I was fabulously excited by the idea the moment I read about it (even though I later remembered how much I'd grown to dread writing morning pages during previous excursions into the AW). I'd only ever attempted the AW process by myself. I loved doing it and enjoyed the changes I felt as a result, but couldn't seem to ever find the discipline to finish the entire 12 weeks on my own. Although I'm a loner by nature, so automatically dismiss group activities as something that might not prove enjoyable for me, I've grown these past 2+ years to love the blogging community so much. I've been all over the (internal) map in my crazy journey, but I've rarely found a community of people who are as accepting and supportive as those in the blogosphere.

So today we begin our AW journey together. Some of us participated in Art Everyday Month (and some--ME!--were total slackers at it)...some of us are coming to this group community at Kat's site for the first time for The Artist's Way. Kat has posted the guidelines and a links list of participants in her left sidebar. The link to her site is in the right sidebar here. Here's the first post when she first suggested she might want to lead us through the AW. Here's the second post, as it grew closer to the January 1 start date. And here's the post that launched us off on our way (today).

Our first assignment is to read the first 24 pages of the book by January 7th--that's when we'll begin week 1 of 12. It's not too late to join the group. Simply drop by Kat's site and leave her a comment and she'll add you to the list of participants. I know there are some who don't want to be 'official' participants, but plan to 'play along at home' and read about the process on our blogs.

I feel so many emotions right now about beginning The Artist's Way with this group:

Excited...I woke up this morning and still groggy went straight to the laptop to read Kat's post for today. Nervous...which parts of myself will I unearth in the process? Exhilarated...the possibilities are wide open! Hesitant...I'm undisciplined by nature...I get very excited about things, but my follow-through isn't so great...will I stick with it the entire 12 weeks? Supported...if ever there was a group I'd feel safe enough to explore this journey with, surely it's this one.

My dictionary lists the definition of create as "to bring into existence, to originate." The AW journey isn't just for those of us who are considered 'art-makers' in any traditional sense. It's for the artist within each of us. Each of us has the power to create that which brings us joy, whatever it might be. May today begin the journey of originating your most creative life. Blessings to all of you on this New Year's Day.